I would rather believe I am lazy than admit I am weak

I made myself wait until the next summer to decide what to do with my life. My health was horrible then and I hadn't the energy to function, let alone live, and spent most of my home hours laying on the floor recovering from an office job. (Sitting in an office was, apparently, really hard.) I never lost the ability to function, I just tired real easy. Then September came, the weather broke, it cooled down and I recovered to normal.

Despite the extremes we've had, this summer has been generally mild. The hot spells still wiped me out, even when I'm in cool AC all day. (Those 5 days in 70 deg temp control? Probably really good for me, even if I am freezing. I have a hard time keeping home temperatures at 78, let alone 76, and I can feel the difference some days.) But I have a better feel of it now, I know it's not going away but it can be controlled. Life will be harder for me than most, but that's true for more people than can be counted. I'm good most of the year.

It's reaching decision making time and, in keeping with most things, my subconscious figured this out long before me. Thanks to the US Dept of Labor's Occupational Handbook (which I posted for our Student Resource page) I've learned that I'm a technical writer, specifically, a science writer. (As far as titles go. There's a biological scientist and that's how specific it gets so tech writer is good enough.) As part of my job, I've started using illustrator in the adobe suite and working on our webpages. Both of these are very peripheral (I can update links and change text, not create webpages, and illustrator and photoshop have been used to convert or check things). If I ask, though, I might be able to get monetary help with courses about them. Or, which I'd prefer except I wouldn't get certified (though, if I leave AMS, I could include it. I don't have certification or education in writing/editing either), I could work on tutorials at work or just go through the manual. (The reason this would be at work is that my present computer is a netbook, which is small, and I'd rather not spend time doing anything other than fun stuff on it.)

Among other things, this would make me very marketable. (Should I decide to leave DC, if I stay in DC I will stay at AMS. I like it here.) It would, however, mean an office job for forever. That's what this work is. And what do I do but come home and sit in my apartment? (Going out in the summer is hot and exhausting, in the winter it is dark. Actually, in the winter I hang out with friends more, summer sorta sucks because my friends are all busy. I think this may be part of the reason I'm feeling a bit lonely right now. They're starting to return, and I'll be busy and so have less wanderlust.)

Today though, while checking links, I wished I could get out... ...

Hee. This was really bothering me, I thought it was a huge epiphany, but writing this out it strikes me that my discontent was just part of the job. It was boring and dull today, all my big projects are done, I'm working on odds and ends, don't know what's next, we've been having a horrible time with our Ocean Studies book (late to the publishers, problems with binding, this that, on and on, and some new stupidity every day), etc. But I really enjoy the rest of it. I enjoy the writing and editing. (I really enjoy the editing, they probably think I'm nuts.)

I guess this is the thing. What I wanted to do with my life was to be outside, not an office, to feel free and make my own way (wildlife management is pretty independent). That's not going to happen, most likely because I've done what I've wanted. Maybe I overstressed my body, maybe it was coming regardless, maybe I slowed or rushed it, but, whatever, I can't do the outside thing. Wishing won't change that, life isn't so kind, but it was kind enough so I could find another way to do what I love. And I do enjoy it.

HA! I finally got on livejournal to write out my problems and discovered I don't really have any. Win for me!
Have a nice day.

(ps: no, I still don't know how to handle the title but I've a habit of laying on my bed in the sun after a shower and falling asleep nowadays. It's a weekend thing (there's no sun when I get out of the shower on weekdays) and quite confusing.)